HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours..
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share..
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it..
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes.. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Skool 1988 vs 2008
Scenario 1988
2008
Piet en Jan raak betrokke in 'n fight by die skool 'n Groot groep seuns vorm rondom die twee, hulle slaan die kak uit mekaar uit, skud hande en die volgende dag is hulle dik pels.
: Polisie word ontbied en arressteer vir Jan en Piet. Alle selfone met videos van die fight word gekonfiskeer as bewysstukke. Albei word aangekla vir aanranding. Altwee word geskors al het Piet die kak begin. Die ouers word ingeroep vir konsultasie en die ander kindes wat die fight gesien het kry trauma berading. Die video van die fight is beskikbaar op YouTube.
Piet onstig die klas want hy wil nie stilsit en stilbly nie
Piet se gat word vuurwarm geslaan. Hy sit nog steeds nie stil nie want sy gat brand te veel, maar hy hou darem sy bek en maak matriek klaar en word 'n suksesvolle besigheidsman.
Piet word op Ritalin gesit want hy het een of ander hiperaktiewe neiging. Word 'n zombie. Word getoets vir ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Die juffrou sukkel haar gat af. Piet kan nie bybly nie en verlaat skool na Standerd 6.
Jan gooi 'n klip en breek 'n ruit van die buurman se huis.
Jan se gat brand. Hy moet vir 'n week lank in die buurman se tuin werk.
Jan se gat brand. Sy pa word gearresteer vir kindermishandeling. Jan word in pleegsorg geplaas. Die sielkundige oortuig Jan se suster dat haar pa haar seksueel aangerand het en hul pa gaan tronk toe. Jan se ma en pa skei want sy het 'n verhouding met die Sielkundige.
Piet druip Engels op Hoërskool.
Piet se gat brand. Hy moet Engels ekstra klasse loop. Hy slaag Engels goed in matriek en gaan Universiteit toe Die Onderwyser kry die skuld. Piet is getraumatiseer. Sy saak word opgevat deur 'n plaaslike menseregte groep wat bepaal dat dit rassisties is om Engels 'n vereiste vak te maak. Dit raak 'n politieke storie en 'n saak word aanhandig gemaak teen die skool en die Onderwysdepartement. Engels word van die cirriculum afgehaal. Piet slaag matriek goed, maar sny gras vir 'n lewe want hy kan fokkol Engels praat.
Jan vat 'n klomp klappers, maak 'n bom daarmee en blaas 'n miershoop op.
Jan se gat brand. Die miershoop is in sy moer. Duisende miere dood.
Die Veiligheidspolisie en Dierebeskermingsgroepe word ingeroep en Jan word aangekla van stedelike terrorisme en dieremishandeling. Sy ouers word dopgehou. Jonger broers en susters word van die huis af weggevat. Hulle rekenaars word gekonfiskeer en Jan se pa word op 'n lys van terroriste geplaas en hy kan nie verder werk kry nie. Die familie krepeer.
Piet val sy knie in nerwe gedurende pouse. Sy juffrou vee sy trane af, maak die knie skoon en gee hom 'n drukkie.
Piet voel gou beter en tweede pouse hol hy al weer rond.
Piet se Juffrou word beskuldig dat sy 'n pedofiel is en verloor haar werk. Sy kry 'n opgeskorte vonnis. Piet ondergaan terapie vir die volgende vyf jaar. Raak 'n moffie.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Armenian Radio
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?"
We're answering: "In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it possible to build communism in America?" We're answering: "It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?"
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it true that capitalism is on the verge of the abyss?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But we are already one step further."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is there censorship if the press in the Soviet Union?" We're answering: "In principle, no. But unfortunately we can't go into details."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Would it also be possible to introduce Socialismus in Switzerland?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But it would be a pity."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it allowed to critisize the party?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But you live more comfortably in your own four walls."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?"We're answering: "No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is there a difference between capitalism and communism?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it's the reverse."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Under communism will we still have money?" We're answering: "No, none of that either."
We're answering: "In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it possible to build communism in America?" We're answering: "It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?"
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it true that capitalism is on the verge of the abyss?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But we are already one step further."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is there censorship if the press in the Soviet Union?" We're answering: "In principle, no. But unfortunately we can't go into details."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Would it also be possible to introduce Socialismus in Switzerland?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But it would be a pity."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is it allowed to critisize the party?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. But you live more comfortably in your own four walls."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?"We're answering: "No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Is there a difference between capitalism and communism?" We're answering: "In principle, yes. In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it's the reverse."
This is Armenian Radio. Our listeners asked us, "Under communism will we still have money?" We're answering: "No, none of that either."
Friday, February 01, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Health update
NEW - Miracle Cure!!!
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Perfect relationship!
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It is important to find a man who cooks, cleans up
and has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who can make you
laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four men don't know
each other .
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